the sea of sameness

Everyone is content being everyone else. Nobody really cares about who they are anymore. In the nineties the only thing people wanted was the Rachel or the Clooney for their hair. They completely overturned their identity to be like someone else. We idolize others more than we care about ourselves. Another thing that’s sad is when you have to refer to someone as an ex best friend. If they aren’t able to maintain the title they weren’t worthy of it. My ex best friend swears she looks like taylor swift. Okay taylor is pretty but you don’t look like her. Why would you want to look like her anyways? She hasn’t done anything morally worthy like MLK or Gandhi. She is just another teenage girl making bank. What is honorable and valuable in that? Why can’t we be happy with ourselves? We were made perfect the way we are. In my speech class we saw a thing where this guy has found how to make “super ugly” people “gorgeous”. He says it’s just a few millimeters. He has mathematically found a formula to make us look desirable. Who wants to go and be told how far they are from perfect? He says that the space between your upper lip and your nose should be equal to your eye size. That’s true when you learn how to do portraits but still, who wants to know how far they are from being attractive. We are drawn to the quirks or “flaws” in other people. When someone has a little bump of excess cartilage in their ear, or moles on their nose that are just there, that’s what is attractive. Those little things make us who we are. That is something unique to us and nobody should ever tell us that is not cute or wrong. Who are you to judge me and my body? We don’t have the right to do that to anyone no matter what we think. We need to embrace who we are and accept that we are who we are and we shouldn’t want to change that. I’d rather look like nobody because that’s when you stand out, that’s what makes you identifiable in a crowd of similarities.

to you, love me.

there are always things left unsaid, well this is me telling you. you may never see it but im putting it down and out there to get it off my chest. i hate that you werent there when my grandmother died, you shouldve been there for me despite circumstances. i hate that i love your family more than you. i had to take every last reminder of you down from my room. i put tape over a picture so i wouldnt have to frame a new one. i miss having a best friend but im not really missing you. i pray for you still, every night. i secretly hope you think of me when you do certain things or hear them, like i do with you. i dont regret it, but i feel bad i never told you happy birthday. i told everyone else in your family but you. i still have most of those sour patch kids and to make myself feel a little better when someone asks, i say thats the best thing you ever did for me. the truth is, its still probably top five. i finally got to the point a few months ago when i could hear wagon wheel and not wanna cry. im giving your jacket back via your sister, im not going to spray it with my perfume but i still hope you think of me. you were right when you said you didnt like her, im finally realizing i dont think i do either. im still not happy with the way the Fourth happened. you dont look happy in a single picture, were you ever happy with me? i wonder what you told your dad, i saw him a while ago and i could tell he was using his overly nice voice. ive heard it before, its not him. i really do hope youre happy, both of you. i also hope you treat her better than me. im not bitter, im not depressed, upset, ungrateful, or pining. i just have a lot i want to tell you. i feel like until i get it out, its just sitting inside me burning and making holes. honeslty for a few good months i couldnt trust a single word any guy said to me. i heard nobody but me by blake shelton and wanted to throm my ipod out of the car because i know its a lie. all your little things like that, nobodys gonna love you as much as me etc were all lies. i had built up so many walls because of you that they still havent fallen. its something i have to try for daily. i think im getting close, but im not really sure. i want to have the closeness we had, or i thought we had. but im not sure im ready. i guess i just miss how you knew what i meant without using words. it was a simple look or a gesture and you knew what i wanted. i know that with time everyone gets used to the little hints. i was with my friend one night and we were kissing goodnight and i wanted to kiss his nose like we used to so when i leaned in he did too. i just leaned back and tipped up my face, he was so lost. i got frustrated with myslf for assuming it would be the same sign for everyone. i guess thats when it hit me that you were gone and so were all our little inside codes. five days after you left i think. im not sure it was boomsday thats all i remember. and ive grown because i realized i did it to get back at you. whether you knew or not i did it to get even. i wanted you to hurt. after that i did a lot of things to get revenge. you have no idea what im talking about but i did. a lot of dumb choices and mistakes made to make myself feel better, wanted, and appreciated. i know its silly but its true. the last time didnt hurt really, and i know that was my fault. after the last split i really couldnt give myself back. id been hurt too much, i was tired of the fights and everything else. we ended up fighting more because i refused to let myself be vulnerable and im sorry. i wasted time, and emotions. i still think of that day when it was rainy and we just laid there on your porch for hours, listening to the ping of the tin roof. it felt like i could seriously do that forever. i hated how everything and everyone reminded me of you, i did a lot of writing about it. i think that really helped me make it through a little bit. i heard about your moms dog, im really sorry. i know thats hard, you all loved him so much. i just hope she didnt break down again. i pray for her strength and that youll forgive her. i know thats where your jealousy and lack of trust comes from. your sister has some of the same issues. when we were in the pond you had to be close or holding me and she had to be the same with justin. you both reach out and grasp for the person you want like babies for their mom. you dont want the person to reject or leave you. you have to learn to trust that if someone is with you they wont do you wrong, learn to be vulnerable and truly give yourself to them. i hope you can do that with emma. i know there has to be more i want to tell you, but right now im drained of all my words. i hope someday you read this or i can actually tell you so until then i guess this will have to do.

its life.

so lately everyone is stressed out with school or work or family or whatever. how can these things bother us so deeply, that we are physically and mentally affected? we give them the power to mess with us. one of my best friends is having those dreaded boy dramas. those have to be the worst, no matter how strong we are they will always know how to hurt us the most. they were so cute and they just had stress on the relationship because they went to school a few hours away from each other. it seems like no matter how much we want things to work out, it will never end how we want. success is getting what you want but happiness is wanting what you got. i wonder if we would rather have success in our careers or relationships instead of being truly happy. we put so much heft in money and possessions that its all we see when we look at someone. the other day the sun was warm and shining and the sky was beautiful and nothing couldve made me any less happy. why cant everything make us feel like that? all we have to do is let it. all we have to do is let ourselves be free from the confines of our world and let our spirit live. we gotta nourish our soul to be able to grow.

maybe it's us.

so i was driving home tonight and was listening to the new taylor swift cd. that song better than revenge was on and it just hit me, the last bit says "im just another thing for you to roll your eyes at honey you might have him..." i realized that relationships are just cycles. someone will take them from you, but you took them from someone else. its pointless for us to harbor resentment or anger against those they chose over us. in the end were going to do it to someone else. my friend was telling me that this girl he was seeing decided they should break up for a while. she wanted to be single for spring break which is just shady but i dated a guy like that. each one of my friends has too. the people who do these sketchy things are the ones who dont understand they are just part of the relationship circle of life. we all get on and we all get off. its hard to always blame the other person in the relationship, we all crash and burn. we have a tendency to say they did this or that but we all do it too. if we keep this mentality that he left me then im going to hate him forever, then thats as childish and immature as he probably was. ive decided holding that grudge is a waste of my emotions and i dont need to be held back when there is someone out there who will treat me right and maybe he wont leave me. we all need to realize that there isnt a single person out there who wont do us wrong, its impossible. get over perfection and recognize the fact were in the real world and thats just how it is. im going to start living my life without resentment and pent up anger. i cant blame him and im not going to blame her, im over it and will continue moving on. i only wish you guys the best.