meeko

on SATC today carrie said never let today be the day you got dumped by a post it, make it fabulous. that has to be the best advice ever. so a few days ago when i got dumped by a text message i fell in love with someone new. i know i may be rushing things, but i think this new relationship is the real deal. meet my new baby Meeko.

refresh

i always get a good laugh when i look back through here at all the times i said this one is different. they never are and im always the one getting hurt. when do i get to win?

lately

I've been really happy lately and I'm sure summer has something to do with it but not all of it. I started working again and it gives me something to do which is great. Then I've been catching up with my long lost best friend who up and left me to do her thing, whatever. I met a great guy, I know I think that a lot but it's different with this one, I can just tell. He's definitely better than the last few guys I met and for that I am so thankful.

yesterday i had what is technically a terrible day. somehow i found it hilarious and awkward so im going to share it with you.

i went to the doctor in farragut at nine am and five minutes after i walk in a blonde walks in. she looks familiar and when she says her name i know she dated E after i did. five minutes after she sat down a red head walks in and at this point im open mouthed thinking no, like no not possible. it was. she said her name and she dated E after the other girl. i naturally told my mom via text while she sits next to me and she thought it was the funniest thing ever. she asked about every girl that walked in if it was another ex.

i went to school after the doctor for a meeting with my advisor to make sure im good to graduate. i had this gut feeling i was going to see T there and i thought seeing him would be the  only thing to make this day worse. well i got my cap and gown and headed to eat lunch with my friend and i was happy i didnt see him and then bam, he passes me on campbell station and waves so big. thought wow thats so weird three ex connections in less than an hour and a half thats got to be all that can happen to me today. no, theres more.

im on my way home from lunch and decided to go tan since i pay for it and havent been in nearly two weeks. i got off at papermill  but i didnt realize how backed up the turn lane was so i went straight across kingston to northshore and planned to just turn around and make a right on kingston. well when i go to turn left some lady whipped around a car in front of her and while im midturn she slams my right back end. despite the fact i was turning before she even appeared in the lane i got a ticket for failure to yield. still think thats the most that can happen to me? no still not.

my dad is being an angel and popping my dent out and was replacing my tail light and he thought he had to take screws out from inside my trunk, which he didnt, and he opened this side compartment and takes out a near empty fifth of jack. wow thats so awkward he ignored it and we mowed and ate dinner then on the way home he said i have to know why do you have a bottle of jack in your car? because i like it. ahhh, how do you like it? with tea. no no coke it goes with coke. no try it its way better with sweet tea. and how did you buy it. i didnt. that was the end of that conversation. 

thats the weirdest day ive ever had in my life and never will i say this day couldnt get any worse because thats false, clearly your day can always get worse.

ramble

As I sit in my bed with the window open I just hear the rain and the thousand thoughts running through my mind. It's melancholy and bittersweet, nostalgic and broken hearted, devastated and shocked. I'm at that point where I've run out of words for you, I'm sorry I don't know what to say or how to say it. I wish I were only as eloquent with my words as you can be. I feel something missing in my soul and it's one of the worst feelings. Tonight I realized you still burn a little and that's just not okay with me. I want that with someone else, someone now, and someone yesterday. I don't want to wait that long for something like that. I'm impatient and needy and sometimes a little obsessive and clingy. I want the grace to handle myself in every situation. I need to understand you better to better us. I want most to feel whole again.

la la la

Last night I had dinner with M and we just hung out at his house after which is perfectly fine by me. The best thing in the world no matter how cliche is when a tall boy picks you up and you can't touch the ground. La la la I love that.

england

M is sweet and fun and we just get along and have fun when we're together. I just don't want to waste my time if it won't go anywhere and all year Preacher's been saying different religious beliefs will be a huge problem and most likely end in divorce. I want to ask him where he stands with it, but I don't think I can just say "HOW catholic are you?" That's not something you determine in a gradient. I feel like England if I say oh you wanna be with me, denounce all ties to the Catholic Church. That's not okay.

part one

ive been told i say some weird things and need a translation, here it is.

on the real: seriously
adorbs: adorable
presh: precious
forreal: i mean it
totes: totally
questionable: no
slaw: promiscuous female
shawty: affectionate term for another person or oneself
slick: looks good

ill add installments as i say weird things.

tres

I just realized after five years of Spanish I only memorized three commands. It's ironic and beautiful that the only ones I remember are sit down, shut up, and kiss me. Tell me that isn't perfect for me.

broken

I'll be the first to admit I'm stubborn and need a million signs before I change my mind about something. Even then I still may not believe it, so I prayed about it. It is such a surreal feeling when you realize you got what you've been asking for. This past month the sermons were all on marriage and what to look for in the person you will marry, and it got me thinking and I realized I really don't know anyone like the man I'm supposed to marry. My dad always told us dating is preparation for marriage so I try not to date guys I know will go absolutely nowhere. But this one just grabbed me and I couldn't let go, not completely. I just kept hoping it would turn around and just be right. I prayed either let him see it or get me over it, I was so sick of the in between I just couldn't do it anymore. Last night I just broke down, nothing happened to make it happen but as soon as I talked about it I knew, and I went straight to bed completely at peace. Waking up I realized I got what I had been asking for but it wasn't really the answer I had wanted. I know this means there are just better things for me.

over

Are you seriously going to sit there and tell me you know me after two months? I can guarantee you don't. I know you don't because you sit there and tell me I'm not over him; come to my house I'll sit you on my couch where I sat and tell you the moment I got over him. I was with someone else, watching the incredibles, and when he left he took my face in his hands and kissed me right there on my front porch. I'll let you stand where I stood so you know it's real.

mirkat

I'm desperately missing my other half since she up and left me to pursue her lifelong dream blah blah blah. We talk like three hours every day. I'm pretty sure we talked more this week than we did the last three months. Clearly soul mates since time and distance don't phase us. I need a partner in crime, someone to find the mischief.

pretty

I can't wait to hang this light hoop on my wall!

joke

Yesterday E told me he wanted to see each other, for me to eventually be his girlfriend and for it to be the kind of relationship you take home to your parents. Then he said he could see himself loving me. We talked more then and today and finally I told him I couldn't give him what he wanted. He said he was sad and I told him just don't be depressed because of this, that he should be happy. Well, apparently he had other plans.

"You know what fuck this and fuck you. I've given my all to make this work and you can't answer one goddamn call from me or ever come see me. Whenever you grow up and quit acting like a baby over your ex(who is definitely over you), maybe call me. I had sex last weekend with a girl from Ole Miss and gave also had two other girls in bed and it has been GREAT, you're definitely missing out. so yes I've taken care of my options cause I knew this wasn't going to pan out. I've done a shit ton of cocaine and drank every single day while I've been here cause YOU have been stressing me out and that is the only thing making me feel better. Don't worry about me though, you never have in the first place. Have yourself a great dinner honey."

Sorry about that language. I got this when I ignored his phone call and told him I was at dinner. Sorry my dad yells when I pull my phone out at the table. Least I found one more I won't be marrying.

merp

Well I went and saw E today for a sit down to talk about Friday night. We got through it and nothing was actually meant and he asked me where we were. He's pledging and around beautiful girls all the time but didn't want to let this go before it has a chance to go anywhere. So I'm giving it a chance. Maybe this is what's best for me right now, who knows.

blast

so the other day i run into D at the joe and we havent spoken in months and i was a little drunk so i texted him and we end up deciding to talk. well that ends up at his house and long conversation short, hes wanted me for three years even though i kept hurting him. he cares more than i know and more than he would let me know. he wanted his chance and he wanted an us. lets talk about zero to sixty. im thinking we can leave here and be civil when we see each other in public. so that was a shock. then i worked thursday and friday and took cupcakes for a snack friday night and when i got off around two am i took them over to D (not the same D) Whitt and Wilson. E got mad when he found out even though i saved him one like i said i would. Whitt took my phone and told him to F off and i immediately said that and he told them to go to where he was that i better never let him touch my phone again or else. okay threaten me and die. then he says how dare i let him say that to him when he has been GREAT to me. yeah no text back. not even the next two days. i just let D down and told him i cant bring myself to hurt him again and E calls. what is life. thats just the last seven days of my life. bless my heart.

E

theres this guy ive "been seeing" or whatever for a few weeks, E, and im just not too sure about this one. normally i subconsciously decide to stay away from guys i end up flirting with or kissing or whatever if i like the guy. that has not happened and i soberly kissed some random guy at whiskey dix which almost started a barfight because i have insanely aggressive and protective friends. i even told my mom she would probably never meet this one. whyyy hes so sweet to me holds doors, bought my dinner, texts me to say hey hows your day, hes actually decent. so why do i also get not really shady but this feeling about him. and why cant i give him a fair chance. he told me to my face he liked me and wasnt seeing anyone else and hoped i did the same. then i kiss the random. why am i so messed up in my head.

this year

In lieu of a "resolution" these are just things I plan to do, more like goals. Get into nursing school and do well my first semester. Be a good nanny for Graham and not let him die on my watch. Get the job at UT in May. Have one hell of a twenty-first birthday. Be able to let go when I should. Make an A in my only class this semester and graduate with my Associates. Stop kissing so many random guys. And be strong enough to tell someone how I feel even though it will piss them off. Here's to another year with everyone I love!