dirty little theivings

okay, if you wish to borrow something from me ask. dont come in to my room take it from my drawers and when i find it ON YOUR PERSON try to tell me that they are your friends whom you never ever see or talk to you. i know thats a lie. if i actually do let you borrow something, it means that day you need it; not a year or two or the rest of forever. loaning something out means it will be returned. loaning and giving are two totally different words you should know the meanings of. another one that doesnt fly is taking it from the laundry, i know it was dirty and i know you certainly didnt wash it. why would you want to wear my clothes or underwear so bad you take it from my dirty laundry. thats nasty. also taking it from my room and saying that it wound up in your laundry. well one if its in your laundry you would know you wore it in probably the last week, if you dont recognize it then its obviously not yours. i know what i wash when i do laundry so i know when something isnt mine. and i do notice when i go to use it and it wasnt washed, you will always be found out for stealing because thats really what your version of borrowing is. if i do borrow your clothes i have permission, which is so ridiculous to get AND i wash it before returning it. i have to snatch these articles from your body and/or your dirty laundry basket which is filthy and i dont even want to describe how dante would have rather used it than the boiling pitch or maggot infested waters. please clean up, get better personal hygiene, and get your own clothes. please. i dont like having to go check your room for my things after i do laundry and realize i still have nothing to wear. hiding them under your bed until ive stopped asking if youve seen them doesnt work either because youre in school for seven hours a day and im at home. you lose, ha ha. so give me my fricking socks back!

best friend found

during that awful hail storm/tornado/flood/fog deal we had yesterday my best friend got attacked. we have yet to identify the culprit, but mr. tree limb and mrs. ice block are very likely suspects. they managed to gash his head and knock him to his knees in a matter of seconds, completely disarming him. luckily it wasnt a robbery; just a couple kids playing a cruel joke. so anyways neither me nor david heard from nezar today and we were both worried since we talk on a daily basis and it was eleven pm. we called and called and called with no answer. we tried his sister and anyone else we could think of. our fear was that he sustained a concussion during the attack and went to sleep when he got home from work around three thirty. our hearts sank a little lower into our stomachs with each "nezar is not available, please leave a message." we had exhausted our resources and ideas and we had no idea if we should drive down to campus or wait til tomorrow since he is mainly nocturnal. finally a text message! after voicemails, missed calls and texts from several people, it arrives. a measly "yeah sorry," but oh the joy with that message! he is aliveeeeee! i still have two best friends! then i found out he messaged his sister at five this morning about goats and we decided yeah, concussion. this is a very educational time in my life, i learned not to freak out for at least twenty four hours, and he has come out on top with two lessons. one: dont walk home in inclement weather of any kind, especially when a ride was promised; and two: always answer your phone.

doubts.

i guess ive been doubting lately, mainly this past weekend. i didnt see trey until sunday and two days is about the longest weve gone without seeing each other. in the past ive gone with only seeing someone between classes and on the weekends and it was all good but it sucked those two days. i got frustrated and upset and couldnt understand why. it made me wonder if he was tired of being with me, or something like that. he isnt one to really quote sweet country songs or send random little messages like that and i think thats why i was doubtful. sawyer used to send them all the time, and i would to him. i realized today when i heard our old song "whatever it is" that just because trey isnt saying the same thing sawyer did in the exact same words, doesnt mean he doesnt feel it. he tells me i make him happy and other things and i love that he can use his own words and now i value it more because he means it and i know that, but i also know that he could feel the same as sawyer or any other guy ive been with. i always knew it would never be the same, but its different knowing something and experiencing and believing it.

i know im young, but i know what i want

growing up we all have ideas of what we want for the rest of our lives, i know im young but i still want what ive always wanted. i may not have any clue what i want to do for the rest of my life, and i never have; but i do know what i want my life to be like. it doesnt matter how long ive been with someone before i ask how theyve always imagined their lives. its important to me to be on the same page if the relationship is going anywhere. i know i want a simple little life, i would be happy with that. the kind with a house up in the woods with a big front porch and tin roof to ping in the rain. i want kids, i love them and i want them. i dont want everything handed to me, i want to work for my lifestyle. its strange and slightly horrible but i love work, hard manual southern labor. the kind where you have to wear boots and get them a little muddy. landscaping and tree cutting, building and destroying. i love that and just fixing things up. i definitely dont want to be calling a plumber if something stops up. i want to be independent in that sense but i want to be completely dependent on my husband and him on me. i want that easy love that wakes up with a kiss each morning and a from behind hug in the pale yellow kitchen when im doing dishes. i dont want a huge house, or anything fancy. i just want simplicity. i know life is never simple but home is supposed to be your sanctuary, the stress free zone in your life. i want my house to be a vacation, i never want to leave. i want that mile long gravel driveway to the pretty house up on the hill that nobody can see from the road. i want to always be close to my family, and his. family is super important to me and ill bring my kids up the same way i was brought up. i love being with my extended family and i hate that i dont see them a lot. country music will always be my favorite, i want to play it soft and slow on the porch as the sun sinks below the ridge and the lightning bugs come out. i love riding in trucks, i never want to be without one. it feels more like summer to me than a convertible ever will. maybe its because we always took the truck to pull the boat but we took it to the mountains in the snow. i just dont ever want to choose between the love of my life and the life i love.

restless

as i lay here trying to fall asleep i think about what ive done today and what i need to do tomorrow. conversations float through my head as if im having them this very moment. this is the problem; there are things i talked about today that only brought up hurt i dont want to think of them now, right before i drift off into dreamland. i dont want to think about the past at all, now it seems everyone asks about it. please stop. simple questions i can handle but i still cant deal with the depth. if im talking about it, its because i want to deal with it myself. you initiating the conversation doesnt help me in the least. i dont want to re-live those moments but thats the inevitable. so as i try to think of something happy, those memories come back making it all the worse because i realize i was wrong. its a feeling that surprises me because i was really wrong. ive been wrong for months and never realized it. i see clips of moments and then i get videos of them. its horrible to have your idiocy playing on loop in your own head. you cant turn that off. i do get stronger every day but im still not strong enough, not where i want to be, not where i should be. i need to rise above and that is the hardest part of all.

dear rebecca black

sweet sweet rebecca black, please stop singing. or talking because you dont really sing. you say things at awkward rhythms and to beats that are way to slow for you wanting it to sound like pop rap music. no its not attractive. i dont care if youre thirteen you should know how bad your music sounds. and if you plan to be famous or sing for millions please learn how to say the word friday. it sounds like you are being horribly remixed and choked or youre a cat or some awful thing trying to speak. every time i hear that word come out of your mouth i cringe shudder and start to shake. its blood curdling and repulsive. i thought they taught grammar in middle school still. just get back in class learn some things and never ever think you can should or will sing again. its horrible. i promise. that prom night song is even worse than the friday one. there is no flow you just say things you see and put prom night after it. the words are awful, poor word choice. very poor word choice. using verbs and nouns that agree is a common thing in the english language. you cant write songs, thats a fail dont try ever again. its a burden to all of the people who heard, saw, or heard about it. do you really wanna put everyone in pain?

yoga class

i was talking to my yoga teacher the other day about how beautiful it was and that i just had class outside. she says that her class was outside earlier and how pretty it was for them. then this sixty something year old woman who is still doing yoga and not grandmalike at all says "i havent taken a class out since 1972, all they wanted to do was pick clover and make grass necklaces!" really, i think its because it was 1972!

want a leash for that kid

in my highly advanced college math class which i think is beginners statistics or something, we learned all these neat little symbols. i think my favorite is ≠ which means is not equal to. lately ive found that a lot of parents ≠ to guardians. nobody knows how to take care of their kids anymore! i dont think they want to. i was driving home the other day and its a small road so im going slow and these dipwads of some kids who are maybe six or seven years old are playing on the side of the road. well the little boy  looks at me, and pushes the girl into the road about two feet from my car. she looked at me the whole time as if this whole ordeal of them trying to get me to assist in a suicide homicide was premeditated! then she laughed and smiled until i was gone! if you let your children think cars are to play in front of you should go play in front of them, please! people who dont watch their kids need to be on the other end of that leash, and not one of those rolling retractable leashes where you can go twenty five feet. one of the old five foot leashes. be trapped with your own kid so you can see how bad they are. i really dont want to have to be the one to realize how horrible you did at raising your child. please stop reproducing, never again and you should probably not let your kids do it either. but chances are they are one of seven or some large number and they will have multiple kids who only get worse as the family tree branches because they didnt get discipline so they have no idea what it is and neither will their kids. so just go tie yourself to your own children for a while then figure out what you want to do with them, and murder is always a bad choice.

november thirteenth two thousand ten

these long days are fading into lonely weeks and months
its pointless to keep track of time
each day passes without leaving anything new
production in life is gradually decreasing
these long days are filled with nothing becoming meaningless
the weather feels it too
the gloomy days reflect the longing in my soul
rain patters on the windows begging for relief
it never comes and the bleakness remains
during these dark and lonely days.