theres nothing wrong with letting go

im not sure when life got so complicated. maybe it was last week, perhaps it was today. im pretty sure it was around the second grade. there are so many things to deal with on a daily basis and it seems everyday just adds one more to the mix. boys are a never ending source of complication. ive learned what guys want, how to flirt with them and talk to them. basically ive learned how make guys fall for me. i know i know this is a horrible manipulative thing that is detrimental to my ever being happy. i know. yet i find i cant stop. im still not over my last boyfriend, we broke up in august. im still incapable of feeling anything. why do i lead these boys on just to break hearts? my best friend once told a guy not to fall for me that im a heart breaker. i remember i was mad at her for that, but then that night i realized she was right. i didnt really want to go out with him in the first place, i just thought everyone deserved a chance. i enjoyed spending time with him but i couldnt see myself with him forever. i also couldnt end it, i liked feeling wanted. i think my fear isnt of rejection, its not being wanted by the one i want. i went out with a great guy tonight but im not sure i feel anything for him or if i can. im afraid ive either put up walls or completely numbed myself to block any sort of feelings at all. im able to kiss anyone, snuggle or whatever would bond two people and walk away feeling nothing. im not attached nor do i feel i should ever speak to them again. why am i becoming a robot. why do i choose not to feel. can i choose to feel. i want to feel pain. my friend told me tonight he has the same problem, except he feels for me. if i reject him he says he wont cry or feel anything he would be numb and fine. i told him to be alive you have to feel, whether its pain or joy. feeling is alive. then i realized im not living because i dont feel. i want to feel. i long to have my heart broken. it is so hard for me to cry anymore because i cried so much over sawyer. all we did was fight for about two years and that relationship is the reason i cant feel. right now i have two wonderful guys buying for my time. one i kinda just met but he seems to have a nice head on his shoulders and be on a good track. the other is one of my best friends and it hurts me to know that no matter what i do i will hurt him. the thought of hurting someone i care about kills me more than they hurt. im terrified that i might feel for him the way he does for me. im scared more than i have been in a while. and im not sure i want to walk out on the ledge. everyone says they want the kind of love that requires faith, im not ready for that at all. i know i might regret that lack of courage later but im so afraid. i dont want to hurt myself. i want it but i dont i cant figure out what i want or what i dont. im so screwed up that id rather be alone than have one of these guys. i dont want sawyer back, i just wish that i had fully given him my heart the last time we were together. i know i held it back and didnt love him. it stressed us both and built up my tolerance to being loved. it didnt affect me, i didnt cry when we split up and i was fine. i went and stayed at my friends house that night and i kissed him. i did so much to get back at him or make myself feel better, but i never once thought i wanted him back. id rather have lust than love and i want to choose love. im so scared i dont know how to move on. im not sure i can make a right decision. im so mad at myself for leading them on and i hate that i did. i dont know how to make this right, how to make myself not see boys as a challenge. i want to be able to relax and not worry about this or any other relationship type problem, i want all the answers and i dont even know the questions.